maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
