I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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