girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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