its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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