you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
