Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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