she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
