I'm so fucking centered right now
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
