Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Umm I'm too high to move.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
