last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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