laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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