Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Well I just put wine in my tea
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
