I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
