and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
