last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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