"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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