How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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