Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
