I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
