I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
