Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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