Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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