Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize