my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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