If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
