goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
