you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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