I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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