I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
