Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
