So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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