Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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