I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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