Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
