Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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