Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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