i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
