theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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