i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
