idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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