dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
