Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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