My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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