You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
