I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Acid is not a monday night drug
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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