WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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