about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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