come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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