at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
