I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
