wrigley field is MILF paradise
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
