Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
