fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
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We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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