So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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